Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Randomize
