I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
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