is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Randomize
