just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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