I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
