dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize
