Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
My bed smells like the plague
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
