I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
One more sleep until playoffs, Canucks are back this year, you bet your ass I'm going to uphold the tradition of being the 90 lb girl that fights every hairy ass Bruins fan at BWW.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
