The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
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