"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
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