i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
