Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I want to have your abortion
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
