I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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