Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
