I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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