There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
