Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
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