Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I will be naked everywhere
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
