Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
