So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
