Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
love makes seman taste better
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
