I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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