Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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