all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
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