the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
