I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
