just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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