I think i sorta joined a cult last night
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Randomize