He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Randomize
