What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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