You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
