Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
