Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
