there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Randomize
