God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
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