he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
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