i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
