I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
