Just cropdusted the office
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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