I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize