to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
