listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
