I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
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