"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
