My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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