Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Randomize