Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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