Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
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