While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
