A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
