I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
