Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
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