I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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