ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
