What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
