i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
I cut my penus on the lid.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize