i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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