i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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