Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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