and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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