K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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