I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize