Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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