Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Randomize