Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
