I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
