Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
