Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize