Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize
