I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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