"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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