It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
