Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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